Our Secrets and Lies Read online

  The Barolo was seventy pounds. Tom needed four hundred for the abortion. Lucy had paid for the flights and a cheap hotel for one night. He tried to build up the courage to ask for the money. When the Barolo was poured, he gulped a glass.

  ‘Good Lord, Tom! An expensive red wine is to be savoured, not thrown back like beer.’ Gabriel swirled his wine in his glass. ‘You’re becoming feral since you moved into rooms. Is that boy you’re sharing with a bad influence?’

  ‘Killian is great.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Gabriel wrinkled his nose. ‘I would have preferred you to be with one of your St Jude’s pals.’

  ‘Killian’s a good roommate, Dad. I have enough friends from St Jude’s. I think it’s important to make new ones too.’

  ‘Of course it is, as long as they’re the right sort. You want to befriend the people who will be the influencers of the future. I met Daniel Johnson when I was a student in Trinity. He went on to be the youngest man to become a Supreme Court judge. These are the people you should be palling about with. Not some fellow called Killian from Limerick who rows and studies sociology. What in God’s name is he going to do with that degree? Utter nonsense.’

  Although Tom disagreed with his father, he certainly wasn’t going to get into an argument about the merits of sociology. Besides, Gabriel only respected people who studied law, medicine or accounting. Anything else was ‘utter rubbish’.

  Gabriel lifted his steak knife and cut through the juicy meat. Tom watched as the blood oozed onto the plate. He felt sick. He had to say something about the money.

  ‘You all right, Tom?’ his father asked. ‘You look a bit peaky. A good steak should sort you out. Eat up.’

  Tom put a piece into his mouth and tried to swallow it, but his mouth was dry. He had a large sip of Barolo to wash it down, then took the plunge. ‘Actually, Dad, I need to ask a favour.’

  ‘Go on.’ Gabriel sat back. He was looking directly at Tom.

  ‘Well, the thing is, there’s this trip coming up, you know a kind of class-bonding thing, and I need some money for it.’

  ‘I give you a generous monthly allowance.’

  ‘Yes, I know. I’m just a bit short as it’s almost the end of the month.’

  Gabriel shrugged. ‘So wait six days and pay for it when your February allowance goes through.’

  Tom cleared his throat. ‘I have to pay for it tomorrow. It’s the closing date.’

  ‘Where exactly are you going?’

  ‘West. Connemara. One of those adventure-type weekends.’

  ‘With your law class?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘How much is it?’

  Tom felt a drip of sweat run down his back. How was he going to convince his father that a weekend in Connemara cost four hundred pounds?

  ‘Four hundred.’

  Gabriel put down his wine glass. ‘Four hundred pounds to go to Connemara for two days?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Tom busied himself cutting his steak and avoiding his father’s razor-like stare. ‘It’s some fancy new place. They have all new state-of-the-art equipment, so it’s a bit pricey.’

  Gabriel nodded. ‘I see.’

  ‘Yeah, so I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’ll pay you back obviously. In fact, you can deduct it from my allowance next month.’

  ‘That would leave you with fifty pounds to live on for a month.’

  ‘I can manage on beans and toast. It’ll do me good.’ Tom patted his stomach.

  ‘You need to eat more, not less. Are all of the class going?’

  Tom swallowed a piece of steak. ‘Almost.’

  Gabriel raised his eyebrows. ‘I find it difficult to believe that so many students would be willing to pay such an extortionate amount of money to go on a trip.’

  Tom shrugged. ‘Yeah, well, it’s supposed to be awesome, so …’

  Gabriel placed his elbows on the table and leant forward. He was giving Tom ‘the stare’, as if he was looking into his son’s soul. Tom shifted in his seat. He thought guilt must be written all over his face.

  ‘Tom, I was a barrister for over thirty years before becoming a judge and I can tell when someone is lying even before they’ve lied, just by their body language. So why don’t you stop this farcical charade and tell me what the money is really for?’

  Tom stopped breathing. Oh, God, what was he going to say? If he made up another lie, his father would know.

  ‘Whatever it is, Tom, I would appreciate it if you did not lie to me. I find it extremely irritating. Be a man. Tell the truth. What is the money for?’

  Tom held up his hands. ‘Please don’t freak out. I’m really sorry, but I’ve got a girl pregnant and I need it for an abortion.’

  Gabriel cursed under his breath. Leaning right across the table, he hissed, ‘Are you sure it’s yours?’

  ‘Yes, absolutely. God, of course. Lucy is my girlfriend. We’ve been together five months. She’s amazing, you’d love her. She came first in our class last year. She’s very smart and really nice too.’

  ‘Well, she can’t be that intelligent if she got herself pregnant, now can she?’

  ‘It was my fault, really.’

  Gabriel inhaled deeply. ‘You stupid fool.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry.’ Tom felt his voice shaking. He had to keep it together – his father hated when he got emotional.

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve got yourself into this mess. Did I not tell you after your embarrassing exam results last year to focus on books and not skirts?’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Who is this girl? A St Jude’s girl? Do I know her father?’

  Tom shook his head. ‘You don’t know her family or anything. Her dad owns a shop on Violet Road.’

  ‘Christ, Tom.’ Gabriel looked disgusted. ‘Where is she going for the termination?’

  ‘Liverpool. Lucy set it all up. It’s cheaper than London.’

  ‘So the shopkeeper’s daughter is having a cheap abortion in Liverpool.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Gabriel hissed. ‘Are you really that stupid? If anything goes wrong with this termination, it will come back to you and then me. If it’s not properly performed she could die, get an infection or be barren for life. I’m not having some slut calling to my door demanding compensation for a botched abortion. Christ, Tom, use that bloody brain of yours. This has to be done properly. There is no way in hell she’s having it done cheaply in some back-alley clinic. I’ll find one with reputable doctors and organize it properly. You will not be going with her. From now on you will have no further contact with her. Do you understand?’

  ‘What? I can’t do that! I have to go with her! It’s my fault, too. And I promised I’d be there for her.’

  Gabriel grabbed Tom’s arm. He held it in a vice-like grip. Tom wanted to pull away, but knew he couldn’t. He’d never seen his father so angry. ‘Listen to me, you idiot. This girl will be looked after by the best medical people, at my expense. Because of me, she won’t have any complications or problems. She will have the termination, come back, get on with her life and keep her mouth shut. You will step away and get on with yours. I do not want anyone to know that my son had any involvement in a termination. When you’re looking for a job in a top law firm in a crowded market, competing against graduates who are a lot smarter than you, you do not want your employers to know that you’re the moron who got some tramp pregnant and was involved in an abortion.’

  Tom was able to pull his hand back as Gabriel released his grip. ‘Please don’t call her a tramp,’ he said, his voice shaking. ‘Her name is Lucy Murphy. I understand what you’re saying and I really appreciate your help, but I can’t let Lucy go through this alone. It wouldn’t be right. No one needs to know. She’ll never tell anyone. She’s a lovely person, honestly. You’d like her.’

  Gabriel slammed his fist on the table, making the glasses jump. ‘Like her? Have you lost your mind? I never want to set eyes on the little tramp. If she’d kept her legs shut,
we wouldn’t be in this mess.’

  ‘Jesus, Dad, it’s my fault too.’

  ‘I am well aware of that, Tom, and you will pay for your mistake. Your time living on campus is over. You are going to move back home immediately and I will be keeping a very close eye on you for the next year and a half until you graduate with honours.’ Gabriel pushed his plate away. ‘I’ve lost my appetite.’

  Tom had to try once more to make him see sense. He couldn’t abandon Lucy. She’d be terrified going to England on her own.

  ‘Please, I’ll do everything you ask, but I have to insist that I go with Lucy. I won’t leave her on her own.’

  Gabriel threw two hundred pounds onto the table and stood up. ‘Listen to me very carefully, Tom. You will not be going anywhere with this girl. I will arrange for her to have the best care. If you attempt to go with her, I will cut you off financially and never speak to you again. I am trying to protect you and do what’s best for the girl. Do not cross me on this, Tom. You’ve got yourself into an unholy mess and you’re lucky to have me to get you out of it. One day you might even have the grace to thank me. Now, be back home with all of your things within the hour.’ Gabriel strode out of the restaurant, leaving Tom open-mouthed.

  Tom collected his coat and headed back to his rooms to pack. He’d have to call Lucy and tell her the new plan. He’d try to make it sound like a good thing – the best clinic, proper medical care and all that. He’d leave the part where he had to tell her she was going alone until the end.

  3

  Lucy woke to the sound of her sister Jenny shouting: ‘It’s a bloody house party, Dad, not an underground rave. You’re going to make me a social outcast. I’ll end up living with you for the rest of my life. I’ll be a shrivelled-up old spinster sitting in the corner watching TV with you and Mum.’

  ‘Your Christmas report was a feckin’ disgrace, so you’re not going to any parties and that’s the end of it,’ Billy roared.

  Lucy heard a door slam and heavy footsteps on the stairs. Her bedroom door was flung open and Jenny threw herself onto the bed. ‘I hate my life and I hate you.’

  ‘Gee, thanks, what did I do?’ Lucy asked.

  Jenny sat up. ‘You were a bloody A student, that’s what. Why couldn’t you have been thick and got rubbish results in your exams? It would have made life a lot easier for me. But you had to go and be a bloody genius and get into law and now Mum and Dad expect me to go to college too.’

  Lucy snorted. ‘I’m hardly a genius – I just work hard. To be fair, Jenny, your report was pretty bad and it wasn’t just the exam results. Almost all the teachers said you weren’t making much of an effort.’

  ‘Except art, where I got an A. Does anyone ever remember that? All Dad says is “Where the hell will drawing get you?” It’s so bloody annoying. I want to be a make-up artist, always have and always will, and nothing is going to change my mind.’

  ‘Fine. You can do that when you leave school, but in the meantime try a bit harder in the other subjects too.’

  Jenny rolled over and put one of Lucy’s cushions over her head. ‘They’re all so boring. Who cares about the stupid Tudors and fat, ugly King Henry the Eighth and his nine million wives? How can knowing about that help me in life? Seriously, how?’

  Lucy sat up and leant over to sip some water from the bottle beside her bed. She tried not to retch. ‘Look, it doesn’t matter what you think, you have to go to school and learn. You only have two years left and then you’re free. Just try a bit harder.’

  Jenny glared at her sister. Lucy knew she was thinking it was easy for her to say. Lucy liked studying. She always had her head stuck in a book. Even that time they went on holidays in France to the camping site. The photos showed Jenny whizzing down the slide into the swimming pool while she sat under a tree reading. ‘I really hate it, Lucy. It all seems so pointless. I just want to get the hell out of this stupid place and do what I want and see the world and be a massively successful make-up artist and work on movies and live in LA with a swimming pool in my garden.’

  ‘You can make the next two years easy or difficult. If Mum and Dad see you’re trying, they’ll get off your back and let you go to parties.’

  Jenny punched the cushion. ‘I really want to go. Jeff Long is going to be there and I know he fancies me, but if I’m not there, Louise might hop on him. Will you talk to Mum and Dad – pleeeeease, Lucy? If you tell them they should let me go, they’ll probably agree. Everything you say is like gold to them. Lucy the law goddess.’

  Lucy looked away. Goddess, my arse. If her sister only knew the mess she was in. Lucy the genius was up the duff. ‘I’ll have a go,’ she said, with a sigh, ‘but I’m not promising anything.’ She got up and pulled a backpack from under her bed.

  ‘Are you packing for your weekend with Tom?’ Jenny asked.

  Lucy tried to smile. She’d told so many lies in the last few weeks her head was spinning. ‘Yes, and not a word to Mum and Dad. I told them I was going away with a few girlfriends from college.’

  Jenny shrugged. ‘If you persuade them to let me go to the party, my lips will be sealed.’

  ‘I’ll do my best,’ Lucy said, as she packed a tracksuit and hoodie into her bag.

  ‘Jeez, aren’t you going to pack some sexy clothes for your dirty weekend? A tracksuit? Seriously? Are you trying to scare him off? I thought you were mad about him,’ Jenny said.

  Lucy paused. She so badly wanted to tell Jenny, but she knew her sister wouldn’t be able to hide it. Jenny wore her emotions on her sleeve. Besides, she was only sixteen and Lucy didn’t want her to know what an idiot her big sister was.

  ‘Is he really gorgeous?’ Jenny asked.

  Lucy smiled. ‘Yes, he really is.’

  ‘Lucky you. I want to have sex with a hot boy.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re barely sixteen. Seriously, Jenny, don’t do anything stupid.’ Her sister was so impulsive and at times reckless that she might end up pregnant too. ‘Do not have sex,’ she snapped.

  ‘Okay, keep your hair on. God, you’re so grumpy, these days. I thought Tom had dumped you. What’s going on? Is everything really all right?’

  Lucy had to try to behave normally and hide her fear. She didn’t want her family to know anything. She had to protect them. ‘Yes, it’s fine. I just want you to be careful, that’s all.’

  Jenny twirled her long, highlighted hair. ‘Well, it’s a bit difficult to have sex when your parents lock you up.’

  Lucy said nothing. She thought Jenny was hard on their parents. All they wanted was the best for their kids. Her dad and mum worked long hours in the shop and had sent them to a good local school and paid for piano lessons and tennis classes and dance classes for the girls. All they expected in return was for their daughters to work hard and not mess up. Lucy didn’t think it was much to ask, yet she had messed up. She had made a huge mistake and she had to fix it. She would not let her parents down, not after all they had sacrificed to give her a wonderful life.

  Jenny sighed. ‘You’re no fun, these days. I’m going to listen to my new Shania Twain CD.’ As she flounced out of the door she said, ‘If I was going on a dirty weekend with my gorgeous boyfriend, I’d be in a really good mood, not a grump.’

  Lucy continued to pack. What did you need for an abortion? She presumed comfortable clothes and a warm coat. She was worried about everything. Most of all Tom.

  His dad had basically locked him up since he’d asked him for the money for the abortion. He knew his schedule and demanded that Tom come straight home after his lectures. He was like a tyrant and Tom seemed to be terrified of him. Whenever Lucy called him at home, the answering machine switched on. The only time she’d seen him in the last two weeks was in college, but it was difficult to talk with everyone around, and when they did sneak away for coffee, Tom seemed distant and distracted.

  He’d barely been able to look her in the eye for the last week. Lucy kept trying to reassure him and tell him everything would be okay
. But then yesterday Tom had got really emotional and said he was afraid things wouldn’t work out: Lucy had no idea what his father was like and how much pressure he was putting on him.

  ‘Pressure to do what?’ Lucy had asked. ‘I’m having an abortion, what more does he want?’

  Tom bit his lip. ‘He’s just a nightmare.’

  ‘We’ll pay him back the money and then he can’t hold any of this over you,’ Lucy said.

  Tom reached out and took her hand. ‘I just want you to know that I love you and I’m sorry about all this mess.’

  Lucy squeezed his hand. He loved her! The words she’d been waiting to hear. Her heart soared. Tom loved her. It was all going to be okay. ‘I love you too. We’ll be fine. This will all be over soon.’

  She was due to meet Tom that afternoon to get all the information from him. If everything was in place, they’d go as quickly as possible, which was why she wanted to be packed and ready. Apparently his father had organized everything and booked them flights and a top clinic in London. Lucy was relieved that she would be in good hands. She’d been terrified of having a cheap abortion.

  She finished packing and went downstairs to get something to eat, hoping she wouldn’t throw it up.

  In the kitchen, her dad was humming one of his olde-worlde Irish tunes while he cooked. The door from the kitchen to the shop was open. Lucy hated it left open. If anyone came into the shop and walked up to the counter, they could see into the kitchen and into their private life.

  It was bad enough having the family business attached to the house so you never got away from it, but letting people snoop into your kitchen – her mum, Jenny and Lucy all hated it. Billy told them they were silly and that it was a very practical way for him to be able to slip out of the shop and make himself food or coffee without missing any customers.

  Billy turned when he heard Lucy come in. ‘Thank God it’s you and not that sister of yours. She’s in big trouble. I’m telling you, no daughter of mine is going to waste a good education. I’d have killed to go to a decent school. And I wouldn’t mind but she has you as an example, her own sister in third-year law in Trinity and top of the class. How can she not want to follow that?’