Our Secrets and Lies Read online

  Sinéad Moriarty

  * * *

  OUR SECRETS AND LIES

  Contents

  Part One: 1999

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Part Two: 2016

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Chapter 59

  Acknowledgements

  Follow Penguin

  For all mothers

  Part One

  * * *

  1999

  1

  ‘Do you think I am?’ Lucy asked, wiping away tears with the back of her hand.

  Sarah handed her a tissue. ‘No,’ she said, trying to sound more sure than she felt. Two weeks late was not good. Sarah had been a few days late, but never two whole weeks. ‘I’ve been late before, nearly that long. It’s probably stress,’ she lied.

  ‘We always used condoms, except that one time in Kerry when, well … we were really drunk and … Oh, God, Sarah, what am I going to do?’ Lucy wailed.

  Sarah chewed her lip. ‘Look, if you want to find out for sure, you could do a pregnancy test,’ she said. ‘I bought two in the chemist on my way here, just in case.’

  ‘Oh, no. I can’t do that yet,’ Lucy said. She was afraid, afraid that the test might show she was pregnant, and then what? What would Tom say? Would he dump her? Would he hate her? Would he support her? Would they go to London or Liverpool? Where was the best place to have an abortion? It had to be a false alarm – it just had to be.

  Sarah took a deep breath and said, ‘I think not knowing is worse. Maybe you should just do the test, and when it’s negative, you can relax.’

  Lucy could barely get the words out of her mouth. ‘What if it’s positive?’

  Tears sprang into Sarah’s eyes. ‘Well … uhm … we’ll just deal with it. Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?’

  ‘I’m scared.’ Lucy covered her face with her hands.

  Sarah leaned over and gave her friend a tight hug. ‘Whatever happens, I’m here for you. I have a hundred and fifty quid saved. It’s yours if you need it, although I’m sure you won’t. Whatever … You know what I mean.’

  Lucy pulled away from her friend. ‘Thanks,’ she said. She really meant it. Sarah was her rock. She didn’t know how she’d cope without her, but she had to dig deep here and get to grips with what was happening. ‘Okay,’ she said, nodding. ‘I’ll do it.’

  Sarah reached into her bag and handed Lucy the two tests. ‘It’s important that you do two. The first could be wrong.’

  Lucy locked herself into the bathroom. Thankfully her parents were busy in the shop and her sister Jenny was at a friend’s house. She sat down and stared at the tests. If they were positive, her life would be ruined. Even if Tom didn’t dump her and went with her to England for an abortion, their relationship would be destroyed. Every time they looked at each other, they’d remember what they’d done. Lucy didn’t think their relationship would survive it.

  But, then, maybe it would – they were mad about each other, weren’t they? Well, she loved him and in Kerry he had almost said he loved her. He hadn’t actually spoken those words but he’d said, ‘I’m mad about you,’ and as far as Lucy was concerned, that was good enough.

  Please, God, make it be negative, Lucy prayed, as she peed on the sticks and waited for the results.

  Sarah knocked gently on the door. ‘Are you finished? Can I come in? I don’t think you should be alone.’

  Lucy opened the door. Sarah looked at the two sticks. They sat in silence. The seconds felt like hours.

  ‘I can’t look – you’ll have to tell me.’ Lucy covered her eyes with her hands, then took them away.

  Sarah peered at the sticks. Her face fell. Oh, Jesus. They must be positive. For a split second Lucy thought Sarah was going to throw them into the bin, but this wasn’t something they could sweep under the carpet and forget about. The news was going to change Lucy’s life for ever.

  ‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’ Lucy said, into the heavy silence. Sarah was crying now. Oh, God. Her stomach lurched. She turned and threw up into the basin.

  Sarah handed her a towel. They sat on the edge of the bath and cried.

  ‘Hold on,’ Sarah said suddenly. ‘You might have a miscarriage. Loads of people do. Look at your mum. She had a few, didn’t she, between you and Jenny?’

  Lucy nodded, but they were clutching at straws. She sobbed into the towel while Sarah rubbed her back.

  ‘Are you going to tell Tom or wait a bit?’

  Lucy had no answer to that. She knew that as soon as she told Tom, everything would change for the worse. Her little bubble of happiness would explode. ‘My family can never know. It would literally kill my dad. He’d be so disappointed in me.’ She sobbed.

  ‘Come on now, Billy adores you. Sure, he has you on a pedestal.’

  ‘Exactly, and I’d fall very far down if he found out I was up the bloody duff.’

  ‘No one needs to know,’ Sarah said quietly. ‘Only you, me and Tom.’

  ‘What if I don’t tell Tom?’ Lucy said.

  Sarah looked at her in confusion. ‘What?’

  Lucy sat up straight. ‘What if I don’t tell him? I’ll just go to London, have an abortion, come back and forget the whole thing happened.’

  Sarah’s mouth hung open. ‘Are you mental? You can’t just have an abortion and pretend it never happened. It’s not like returning a jacket you don’t like. It’s a big deal, Lucy. You need support. It’s painful and serious and … and emotional and all that.’

  ‘But it’s the perfect solution. I won’t lose Tom, my parents won’t be upset and I’ll just get on with my degree and my life.’ Lucy was sure that was the correct plan of action. This way, she’d get to keep everything and everyone and no one would get hurt. Okay, she would, but she was strong, she’d deal with it.

  ‘Lucy?’ Sarah shook her gently by the shoulders. ‘Stop it. This is madness. Tom needs to know. If you don’t tell him, you’ll have this huge secret between you and it’ll cause problems. Besides, he’ll know something’s wrong. Darren always knows when I’ve got something on my mind and vice versa. You have to tell him.’

  ‘But if I’m getting rid of it, why does he need to know?’

  ‘Because it’s his baby.’

  ‘Don’t call it that. It’s
not a baby, just a cluster of cells.’

  Sarah glared at her. ‘Jesus, Lucy.’

  Lucy stuck her chin out defiantly. ‘Well, it’s true.’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘It’s not right to keep Tom in the dark.’

  ‘If this stupid country wasn’t so bloody backward, I could have it done here in Dublin tomorrow and not have to travel over to England on my own.’

  Sarah took her hand and squeezed it. ‘I’ll go with you, but it should be Tom and you know it.’

  ‘Would you, really?’ Lucy said.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Thanks. I’d be a complete mess without you, Sarah. Now I just need to figure out how to organize and pay for it.’

  Over the next two weeks Lucy contacted abortion clinics in Liverpool because the flights there were much cheaper than to London. She reckoned she was about six weeks pregnant, so she wanted to get on with it.

  She refused to allow any doubts to cloud her mind, and when she woke up with tears on her face and a wet pillow every morning, she ignored it. There was only one solution and this was it.

  Sarah remained quiet whenever Lucy brought up the subject, so she kept the information flow to a minimum.

  She’d tried to avoid Tom because she found being with him really difficult. After the second week of telling him she was too busy to see him, he chased after her as she tried to scurry away after a tutorial. He caught up with her in Front Square and grabbed her shoulder. ‘Hey, what the hell is going on? I’ve barely seen you in the last couple of weeks. Why are you avoiding me? Are you annoyed with me? And don’t say you’re busy because you never used to be too busy to see me.’

  Lucy couldn’t look into those eyes. ‘I’m sorry. Of course I want to see you. I’m just … busy.’

  ‘Doing what?’ Tom demanded.

  ‘Studying and helping my parents out in the shop and stuff.’

  ‘So everything between us is okay?’

  ‘Yes, totally.’

  ‘Well, can you come back to my rooms now? Killian’s out so we can catch up properly.’ Tom leaned in to kiss her. Lucy reared back. ‘What the hell?’ he said, sounding hurt.

  ‘Sorry – I’m so sorry, I just … I have to go.’

  She turned to walk away but he clutched her arm. ‘No way. You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on. Have you met another guy? Are you cheating on me?’

  Tears sprang into her eyes. ‘No, God, no. I just … I …’

  Tom’s face darkened. ‘What? Just spit it out. For Christ’s sake, Lucy, if you want to break up, just say so. Don’t avoid me like some child and pretend you’re busy. Judging by your reaction when I tried to kiss you, you obviously don’t want to be with me any more so just say so.’

  Lucy could no longer hold back the tears, which flowed down her cheeks. ‘No, Tom.’ She reached up and kissed him. ‘I don’t want to break up with you. I just have some stuff going on.’

  ‘What stuff?’

  ‘Personal stuff.’

  ‘So talk to me. I might be able to help. Isn’t that what couples do? Talk to each other?’

  Lucy shook her head. God, this was so hard. She hadn’t expected to get so emotional and now she was blowing it. She had to get away from him but also make him understand she still wanted to be with him. She tried to calm down. ‘You’re right, but it’s just kind of private. I can’t talk about it.’

  ‘Are you sick? You look very pale – are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she managed to croak.

  ‘Are your parents okay? Is it your sister? What is it? Stop blocking me out – talk to me.’

  ‘I can’t. Just leave it, Tom. Just leave me,’ Lucy snapped. She had to get away before she broke and told him the truth.

  ‘Fuck this.’ Tom took a step back. ‘It’s obvious you don’t want to be with me. You can’t even look me in the eye. So I reckon you’ve done the dirt. I just wish you’d had the balls to tell me. I expected more from you, Lucy. I thought we had something special. Obviously I was wrong.’ He turned and walked away.

  ‘STOP!’ Lucy shouted. ‘Please stop. It’s nothing like that. I love you.’

  ‘What?’ Tom turned back.

  Lucy hadn’t expected that to come out of her mouth. She was losing all control, but she did love him. ‘I love you, Tom, and I want to be with you and I’ve never even looked at another boy.’

  ‘So then what is it? Tell me!’ Tom pleaded. ‘I need to know so I can believe you.’ He wiped a tear from her cheek. ‘I promise to help you with whatever your problem is. Trust me, Lucy.’

  Lucy finally allowed herself to look into those beautiful green eyes. She could trust him. He was Tom, her Tom. He’d help her.

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  2

  Tom stood at the window and looked out at the driving rain. Jesus, pregnant. There were a lot of things he’d thought Lucy might say to him, but that hadn’t been one of them.

  He’d felt as if he’d been shot. He hadn’t been able to speak for a minute, and then when he’d looked into her pleading eyes, he’d known he had to say something nice. He’d muttered, ‘We’ll work it out,’ but he hadn’t really believed that.

  How could he have been so stupid? That one bloody shag. Jesus, they’d had sex about ten times that weekend in Kerry. It was just that one time they’d been really drunk and he hadn’t used a condom. One stupid little mistake and now this?

  Tom knew Lucy was waiting for him to call her to say he’d got the money and could go with her to Liverpool next week. But he didn’t have any money. He’d blown it all on their weekend in Kerry. He’d asked three of his mates to lend him some, but they were all skint too. Everyone was – it was the end of January so no one had any cash. There was no other way. He was going to have to ask his dad for the money. He’d say it was for a college trip or something. He’d figure out a bullshit story to tell Gabriel.

  It had been only three days since Lucy had blurted it out but Tom felt as if he’d aged ten years. A baby! Christ. Tom just wanted the whole thing to be over and for his life to go back to normal. He was worried, though. Things were weird with Lucy now. Would this break them up?

  Why did it have to happen? Things had been going great. He really liked her, and life had been good. But now this. An abortion. Everything was messed up. Would Lucy be different now? Would she blame him? Would she go mad after the abortion? There was a girl in St Jude’s, in the year ahead of Tom, who had ended up drinking a bottle of vodka a day after having an abortion. She’d ended up in hospital, then rehab.

  Still, though, that wouldn’t happen to Lucy: she was sensible, smart, together. Tom would be there for her – he had to be. He wanted to help. He just had to get the money. He didn’t want to lose her. Lucy was the best thing that had happened to him. Sure, he’d dated loads of girls, but none of them had captured his heart. They were all St Jude’s girls and all kind of the same. But Lucy was different. She was so smart and focused and, best of all, loving and warm. She made Tom feel ten feet tall. When he was with her, he felt really, truly happy.

  Tom craved affection, having grown up with just his dad for a companion. He hated being an only child. He envied people with big noisy families. It had always been just him and Gabriel for dinner. When he watched other dads hugging their sons he tried to picture Gabriel hugging him. The closest they’d come was on Tom’s first day in Trinity when his father had put his arm on his shoulders and said, ‘You have four years to become a man. You need to grow up, son, come out of here with a good degree and don’t let the family name down.’

  That was it. That was as warm and fuzzy as Gabriel Harrington-Black ever got. Tom knew it was partly because his heart had broken when his wife died. Everyone said she had been Gabriel’s true love. Tom had been ten months old at the time so he had no recollection of her. On the rare moments he allowed himself to think about his mother, it made him desperately sad.

  But Lucy hugged him all the time and told him she was proud of hi
m and that he was amazing to be so ‘normal’ despite having no mum and a distant father. She made Tom feel like he wasn’t a failure, like he mattered, and he couldn’t get enough of it. It had only been five months but he was falling for Lucy, falling fast and hard.

  No, it would be okay. He’d ask for the money tonight, when he met Gabriel for dinner, and he’d get it and give it to Lucy and they’d go to England and come back and be normal again. It would be okay. It would all work out. It had to.

  Tom watched his father enter the restaurant. Gabriel stood at the entrance as the manager rushed over to welcome him. He handed him his cashmere coat and looked around. Spotting Tom at their usual table, he nodded in his direction. As he made his way towards his son several people greeted him. Gabriel’s booming voice echoed around the room.

  ‘Yes, tough case, but he got what he deserved … Hello, good to see you still have an appetite after your client went down … I might join you for a cognac later, I’m meeting my son, he’s in Trinity studying law, chip off the old block …’

  Tom cringed as his father strutted about the place as if he owned it. He had not inherited Gabriel’s supreme confidence. He braced himself for what was to come. Gabriel didn’t like his son to overspend his allowance, and Tom knew he was not going to like being asked for more money.

  Gabriel shook Tom’s hand and sat down opposite him. Tom had made sure to sit with his back to the room so Gabriel could see who was in the restaurant. His father liked to see and be seen.

  ‘Well, Tom, how are things?’

  ‘Good, thanks.’

  ‘Studying hard, I hope.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Glad to hear it. I expect much better results this year. No son of mine is going to leave Trinity with anything less than a two-one degree. Of course I’d like to see you get a first, as I did, but I doubt that’s going to happen.’

  Tom said nothing.

  Gabriel waved the waiter over. ‘I’ll have the sirloin steak, make sure the steak is bloody. I certainly don’t want it overcooked but neither do I want it blue. My son will have the same, and we’ll have a bottle of the Barolo.’