The Way We Were Read online

  Alice tucked Jools’s hair behind her ears. ‘We’ll be all right. We have each other. I’m here for you, darling.’

  Jools shook her head violently. ‘No. Dad was my person. It’s always been you and Holly, then me and Dad. Now I’ve got no one.’ She began to sob.

  Alice didn’t think her heart could break any more. ‘Jools, I love you, and if you’ll let me, I’ll be your person.’

  ‘You can’t just be someone’s person. It’s not a job, it’s a feeling. Dad loved me the most and I knew it. I felt it all the time. We were really close. Like you and Holly have a connection, well, me and Dad had that, and now he’s gone and I have no one.’ Jools’s shoulders shook and her face crumpled with grief.

  ‘Come on, Jools, you have me. I love you so much.’

  ‘You just don’t get it.’ Jools wiped her tears.

  Alice did, though. She understood completely because Ben had been her ‘person’, too. He was her husband, lover, confidant and best friend.

  She also knew what Jools meant about her connection with her dad. They did have a special bond, like Alice with Holly. Perhaps it was because Jools looked so like Ben, and Holly was so like her. Maybe the physical resemblance to a child drew you closer to each other, or perhaps it was personality. She’d have to try really hard to become Jools’s person too.

  She started by holding her elder daughter close to her. After a while, Jools’s breathing calmed down and she pulled out of her mother’s arms. ‘Does Granddad know?’ she asked.

  Alice nodded. She had called Harold the night before. Telling her father-in-law that his only child, his pride and joy, was dead had been devastating.

  Harold kept saying, ‘There must be some mistake,’ and ‘This just isn’t possible.’ And then, as the reality sank in, he began to cough and splutter, then hung up abruptly, muttering about needing a moment. Later he’d sent a text: Alice, I’ll be up in London tomorrow to discuss arrangements. H

  Alice didn’t want to see Harold. She couldn’t cope with him. Even in the full of her health she found him difficult to manage. He was so cold and aloof. In the twenty years she’d been with Ben, he’d never once hugged or kissed her. Even when her parents had died and she’d been in pieces, when he’d called at the house he had merely shaken her hand in sympathy.

  When Alice’s mother was alive and Alice gave out about Harold being so cold, her mother always said that Harold was just from a different era when men didn’t show emotion and weren’t demonstrative. But Alice’s father had been of the same generation and he’d hugged her all the time. In fact, he was very in touch with his emotions – he’d cried all the time, too. It was a family joke that every time he watched This Is Your Life he’d end up reaching for his handkerchief.

  At her wedding, Alice’s father had cried the whole way up the aisle. She’d had to hold him up and hand him over to her mother at the top of the church. Harold had been appalled. Alice could see his disapproving expression now as her father had walked her slowly to the altar, tears streaming down his face. She had been cross about Harold’s obvious distaste. She’d wanted to shout, ‘At least I know he loves me, at least I know he’s happy for me, at least I know he cares.’

  Ben said he didn’t mind that his father was remote. He said his mother had made up for it. In fact, Ben suspected that his father had pulled back because his mother doted on him.

  Alice was very sad to have known Ben’s mum for such a short time. But she knew Ben’s mum had liked her. She’d told her so. One night when Ben was getting ready and Alice was having a glass of wine with her, she had leant over and said, ‘I’m so glad Ben met you. He should be with someone warm and loving.’

  Alice had been thrilled. At that stage she was head over heels in love with him and knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life waking up beside him.

  Ben was a perfect mix of his parents. Thankfully, his DNA had taken all of their good qualities and mixed them up to make a very special man. Ben had all of his mother’s zest for life, her sense of fun and enthusiasm, with his father’s drive and steeliness. It was an irresistible combination.

  When Ben’s mother had died, Ben had leant on Alice while his father grew more distant. Alice had tried to talk to Harold about his grief and to draw him out, but he had stonewalled her every time. Eventually, she had given up.

  The other problem with Harold was that he was allergic to Kevin. He couldn’t seem to handle him being openly gay, and for some reason Kevin, who was normally not that camp, turned into a caricature of himself in Harold’s company.

  Kevin said it was because Harold made him uncomfortable. ‘I can’t help myself. I become camper than a row of tents when that man is around,’ he explained. ‘He’s so bloody disapproving. It just sends me into a tailspin.’

  Alice had found it best to keep them apart as much as she could. The last time they’d been in the same room was on Christmas Day a year ago, when Harold had called Kevin an embarrassment. Kevin had been completely over the top, but Christmas was always hard for him because he was alone. If it wasn’t for Alice, he would have spent Christmas on his own – he had no parents, no partner, no kids. It was hard for him and made all the worse because he’d just been dumped by a guy he’d really liked.

  Since that day, Alice had seen Harold only three times. She’d let Ben take the girls to visit him in Tunbridge Wells. The girls hated going because there was nothing to do, and Harold refused to allow them to watch television or eat sweets. His new wife, Helen, had eased things a little, but she was almost as cold as he was.

  ‘Mummy.’ Holly climbed into bed with her mother and sister, while Kevin went down to the kitchen to put on the kettle. She clung to Alice. ‘I woke up and forgot.’

  ‘I know, love, we all did.’ Alice stroked Holly’s tear-stained face.

  ‘It’s been twelve hours, seventeen minutes and, um … forty-six seconds since that man rang up.’

  Jools groaned. ‘For God’s sake, Holly, will you stop bloody going on about the time? Who cares when it happened? It happened.’ Jools began to cry again.

  ‘Sssh now.’ Alice rubbed Jools’s back.

  Holly’s lip wobbled. ‘Working out numbers helps to stop my head hurting. I can’t do anything about my heart – it feels as if it was squashed by something heavy – but if I do numbers my head hurts a bit less.’ She burst into tears.

  Kevin walked into the room bearing a tray laden with tea, orange juice and chocolate biscuits, to find all three in a huddle on the bed, crying uncontrollably.

  He placed the tray down and said, gently but firmly, ‘Come on, girls, I need you to drink some sugary tea or orange juice and eat a biscuit. The sugar will give you an energy boost. We need our strength today. Now, this cup of coffee is for your mother only.’ Kevin handed Alice a cup and mouthed, ‘Brandy.’

  Alice drank the alcohol-laced coffee gratefully. She was going to need all the help she could find to get through today.

  Kevin helped the girls get dressed while Alice had a shower. She stood under the water and cried her eyes out. She raged at God, life, Fate and Ben. She thumped the shower wall until her hands ached. When she got out, she curled up on the floor, unable to move.

  Kevin came in and closed the door. ‘Alice.’ He pulled her to her feet. ‘You can’t do this. You can’t fall apart. I know you want to – I know this is a complete nightmare – but the girls need you. Now come on. I’ll help you every step of the way.’

  He dressed her, putting her clothes on for her as if she was a little girl. Then he dried her hair and tried to put some make-up on her face. But Alice kept crying and the mascara kept running, so he gave up. ‘Well, at least you’re clean and you smell nice.’

  Alice stood up and hugged him. ‘Thank you.’

  Kevin hugged her back. ‘I’m here for you, sis.’

  ‘Why did he do it, Kevin?’ Alice started crying again.

  ‘Alice, he was trying to help other doctors. It was a freak accident. It wasn’t his fault.’


  ‘Why did he have to go?’

  ‘Because he was Ben.’

  ‘I hate Ben.’

  ‘No, you don’t.’

  ‘How am I going to live without him?’ Alice cried.

  Before Kevin could try to answer that impossible question, there was a knock on the front door. Alice heard Jools say, ‘Hello, Granddad.’

  ‘Shit, it’s Harold. Already,’ Alice whispered.

  Kevin grasped his sister’s hand. ‘You can do this. Remember, he’s heartbroken too.’

  They went downstairs to the kitchen, where Jools, Holly and Harold were sitting at the table. Holly was telling Harold how many hours, minutes and seconds had elapsed since the phone call from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

  When Kevin and Alice walked in, Harold stood up. Alice was shocked. He had aged ten years overnight. He looked terrible. On impulse, Alice went over and put her arms around him. ‘Oh, Harold,’ she said.

  He drew back. ‘Was it your idea?’ he said, eyes flashing.

  ‘What?’ Alice was confused.

  ‘Eritrea! Was it your idea for him to go there?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘When I rang the Foreign and Commonwealth Office for details, they said Ben was with some Irishman. I presumed he was a friend of yours. Or his.’ Harold jabbed his finger in Kevin’s direction.

  Alice’s grief turned quickly to anger. How dare Harold accuse her of ‘sending’ Ben to Eritrea? She clenched her jaw to stop herself screaming at him. ‘I’ve never met Declan. He was John Lester’s registrar. He went to assist Ben during the operation. As a matter of fact, I totally disagreed with the trip and begged Ben not to go.’

  ‘It’s true. Ben planned the whole thing himself. Alice didn’t know anything about it until he announced he was going. He wanted to go. He was very excited about the trip,’ Kevin said, defending his sister.

  Harold wouldn’t even look at him. ‘Please stay out of this,’ he growled.

  Alice could see Jools out of the corner of her eye. She was crying again. She needed to calm things down and take control of the situation. ‘Harold, there’s no need to be rude to my brother. I know you’re upset. We all are. We’re all in shock. No one is to blame. It was a horrible accident.’

  ‘Bloody Africans, a law unto themselves. Never could control them. Dreadful lot, no morals,’ Harold barked.

  Holly’s eyes widened. ‘The Eritrean people have had a terrible history. They were colonized by the Italians and then had a long war with Ethiopia. They only got independence in 1992.’

  ‘So what?’ Jools shouted. ‘It doesn’t mean they had to plant landmines in the ground and blow up innocent people.’

  Alice gasped. ‘How did you –’

  ‘Know about the landmine?’ Jools cut across her mother. ‘We heard you talking to Kevin. We know what happened, Mum. We know it wasn’t a car crash. We know there’s no bo-bo-body.’ Jools began to wail.

  Alice rushed over to comfort her.

  ‘It’s been fifteen hours, seventeen minutes and twelve seconds since the man rang,’ Holly said, as tears streamed down her face.

  Kevin pulled her in and hugged her.

  Harold croaked, ‘Forty-five years and nine months since he was born.’

  Seventeen years and eight months since I said, ‘I do’, Alice thought, as she began to cry again.

  Ben

  The soldiers pushed Ben and Declan onto the floor of the jeep and held guns to their backs. They drove for what seemed like hours, uphill and over very rough terrain. Ben’s legs ached.

  At first he tried to memorize the route, left, left, right, left … but soon it was a blur. He thought about Alice and the girls. He had to stay strong.

  Declan kept asking the men where they were taking them. They repeatedly told him to be quiet. Ben whispered at him to shut up. He was only going to annoy them. But Declan was not to be deterred. When he asked for the third time, he got a rifle butt in the head. After that he was quiet.

  They stopped abruptly. They were pushed out of the car. They were high up in the mountains. The land was arid and there was no sign of any life, just miles and miles of dusty, rocky mountainside. The men pushed Ben and Declan onward up the mountain, one man in front and two behind. The other man drove the jeep away, back down the mountain.

  They were now walking on a narrow path that wound across the mountaintop. Declan was in front of Ben, who could see blood matting on the back of his head where he’d been hit. It was a small cut but, still, these men meant business. They’d have to be careful not to do anything to cause trouble for themselves.

  Ben tried to remain calm. Every time he began to panic, he thought of the girls – he had to stay alive for them. He’d operate on the leader’s son and then, hopefully, they’d let them go. Ben prayed that he was able to save the boy’s life. What if he was too far gone? What if the damage was irreparable? What if he got an infection and died? Ben doubted that the conditions for operating on anyone were going to be ideal in this remote place.

  He plucked up the courage to approach the leader, who was walking directly in front of him. ‘What are your son’s injuries?’

  ‘Bullets.’

  ‘Can you tell me where?’

  ‘Here.’ The leader thumped his chest.

  Now Ben was really worried. If it had been a leg or an arm, there was a good chance of survival, but gunshot wounds to the chest were a potential nightmare. The kid could be dead before they even got there. Then what would happen? Would they just shoot them? Ben somehow doubted they’d accompany them all the way back to their hotel, give them a pat on the back and let them go. Panic rose inside him and he struggled to stay in control.

  He tried to focus on the patient. ‘How old is your son?’ he asked.

  ‘Fifteen,’ the man answered proudly. ‘Very brave soldier. Now, hurry, hurry,’ he said, urging Ben to walk faster. ‘You need to save him. If he dies, it will be bad for you.’ He gave Ben a dig in the back that shunted him forwards, so he was on Declan’s heels.

  ‘Fucking brilliant,’ Declan hissed, under his breath. ‘They want us to perform a miracle on a kid who’s been shot in the chest. You need to tell the old man that we’re doctors, not bloody magicians.’

  ‘Keep your voice down,’ Ben warned. ‘I need you conscious for the operation, not knocked out because you can’t keep your mouth shut.’

  ‘If the kid dies, we’re dead men.’

  ‘I’m aware of that, thank you. You’re not helping.’

  ‘How good a surgeon are you?’

  ‘I’m good,’ Ben said. It was true, but under these circumstances, who knew what might happen?

  ‘I’d rather you’d said great. It would have been more reassuring.’

  ‘We have to stay calm. Do not antagonize them in any way.’

  ‘I don’t have a death wish!’ Declan said angrily.

  ‘No, but you have a big mouth. Keep it shut.’

  ‘One more thing,’ Declan said, as he stumbled over the rocks.

  ‘What?’ Ben was getting frustrated.

  ‘Ask him how long more to go.’

  Ben raised his voice and asked the leader how much further they had to walk.

  ‘Close now,’ the man snapped. ‘Hurry, hurry.’

  Ten minutes later they rounded a corner and were met with the sight of about thirty tents. They were beige, so they blended in with the pale, dusty landscape of thorn trees and boulders. Women and children stared at them, while men wielding guns watched closely as they were rushed into a big tent to one side of the encampment.

  Ben was surprised to see small children. It was like a makeshift village. He’d presumed it would be a soldiers’ bivouac.

  Inside the big tent was a ‘hospital’, with four men lying on stretchers made of tree branches and sheets. They were groaning softly. There was a dividing curtain, which was pulled back by one of the guards to reveal an ‘operating theatre’. This consisted of a home-made wooden table with a bare bulb ha
nging over it, a bowl of water and some sheets on a low table in the corner. Another table was covered with suture kits, antibiotics, painkillers, two battery-powered headlamps, scalpels, scissors, needles and a tourniquet. They’d clearly raided a clinic for medical supplies.

  The fifteen-year-old boy was lying on the makeshift operating table in a pool of his own blood. The leader went to his son and held his hand. He spoke gently to him, pointing to Ben and Declan, smiling and nodding.

  ‘Looks like he’s telling his kid we’re going to save his life,’ Declan whispered.

  Ben looked at the large bloodstain on the front of the boy’s shirt. ‘We have to save him, no matter what. Even if we can keep him alive for a day or two, just long enough for us to persuade them that he’s going to survive and they should let us go.’

  ‘I don’t think we’re going anywhere until that kid is running around playing football for the Eritrean national team. What the hell are we going to do?’ Declan’s voice shook.

  Ben grasped his colleague’s arm. ‘We are going to do our job. Now, I need you to keep it together. I want full focus. We are going to save this boy’s life.’

  ‘I’m trying.’

  ‘Try harder. I thought you came from a tough area of Dublin.’

  ‘Living next door to a couple of drug-dealers and petty criminals hardly prepared me for lads holding Kalashnikovs in my face.’

  ‘Get it together, Declan. Come on.’

  While Declan composed himself, Ben blocked out his own fears and allowed himself to concentrate on his job. He asked everyone to leave the room, but the two soldiers with guns stayed, as did the father.

  Ben was getting angry. ‘If you want me to save your son, you must leave. We never allow relatives to watch operations. It will upset you and you will distract me from my work. If you want to leave the gunmen, fine, but they are not allowed to say a word or make a move. I need complete silence and calm. One shake of my hand and your son could die.’

  The leader reluctantly agreed, but said he’d sit outside the ‘door’. Then he reminded Ben of the consequences of not saving his son, making a gun shape with his hand and pointing it at Ben’s head.