The Good Mother Read online

  Kate added wheatgrass powder to the juicer. She loved that her father was so fond of Jess. Kate didn’t know what she’d do without her daughter. During the break-up and Nick’s departure, Jess had been so helpful. Kate had found her crying in her bedroom a few times but Jess had never complained about anything. Luke had raged against the world and got into trouble at school. Bobby had gone around kicking everything, including Kate, but Jess had been supportive. She was twelve going on sixty.

  ‘She has an old soul,’ George had said, when Jess was little, and he was right. Jess did have an old soul, and a very big heart to go with it.

  Kate sometimes worried that Jess bottled up her emotions. Over the last year she’d tried to talk to her, but Jess had just said, ‘It’s okay, Mum. I know you and Dad love me. I’m sad because we’re not a family any more, but don’t worry, I’m not going to get drunk or kick things.’

  Kate had hugged her and tried not to cry all over her daughter’s hair. Jess didn’t even seem angry with Nick. She’d come home from spending time with him and say, ‘I feel sorry for Daddy. Jenny hates being pregnant. She’s always complaining. He seems very stressed.’

  Kate loved hearing how much of a pain in the arse Jenny was and that Nick was stressed. It made her feel considerably better. She wanted him to be miserable. She was thrilled to hear that bouncy, sexy, fit Jenny wasn’t so much fun, after all. Serves the snake right, she thought. I hope their baby never sleeps.

  Kate finished the juices and brought them to the table. ‘Enjoy,’ she said, with a smile, then went back to the counter.

  ‘You look tired, Kate, will I make you a coffee?’

  ‘Thanks, Dad. That’d be lovely.’

  ‘Did you sleep badly, pet?’ he asked, and Kate suddenly wanted to weep.

  She had been up half the night working out her finances. Back to school had used up all of her wages, and Luke had given her a chunk of his earnings to help with his books. But Nick hadn’t paid his child support again this month. When she’d called him yesterday, he’d said he didn’t have it because, unknown to him, Jenny had spent a fortune on his credit card doing up Jaden’s nursery.

  ‘Jesus, Nick, I need that money. Your three children need books and uniforms. You know back to school is a really expensive time.’

  ‘Don’t start, Kate. I’ve had Jenny in my ear all day. Look, I just don’t have it. I’ll get it to you next month.’

  ‘I need it now!’

  ‘Ask your father for a loan.’

  Kate had felt the blood rushing to her head and thought she might explode. ‘My father is housing your children, feeding your children and helping to raise your children. I will not ask him for any more. Find me the money and send it or I’ll contact my lawyer.’

  ‘You don’t have to be a bitch about it.’

  ‘Go to Hell.’ She’d slammed the phone down on him, then stood there, trembling with fury. She hated talking to him – any conversation ended in an argument.

  She’d spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to pay for Jess’s horse-riding lessons. She’d paid for all of their books, but had nothing left over for riding. It was Jess’s one treat. Piano lessons and dance lessons had had to go as there was simply no money, but horse-riding was Jess’s favourite thing in the world. She adored animals, and was happiest when she was at the stables, riding and grooming. Kate couldn’t bear to tell her she couldn’t go back. She’d called the stables yesterday and they’d agreed to give her a discount, but she still had to come up with two hundred euros to pay for Jess’s lessons.

  ‘Just my mind working overtime,’ Kate said.

  Her father laid his hand on her arm. ‘Is it money?’

  Kate was afraid to speak – there was a lump in her throat. This wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t be living on top of her elderly father with three kids, and she shouldn’t be asking him for money. She felt such a failure. ‘Nick didn’t pay this month,’ she muttered, her face bright red with shame.

  ‘For Christ’s sake,’ George cursed. ‘It’s not your fault. I’ll help you out.’

  ‘I just need two hundred euros for Jess’s riding. I know it’s expensive, but she loves it and never asks for anything.’

  ‘Of course we can sort that out. Jess deserves a treat.’ George patted Kate’s hand. He opened the cash register and took out four fifty-euro notes and handed them to her. ‘I’ll never see you short, Katie.’

  It was the use of her childhood nickname that set her off. She turned to walk out so her father wouldn’t see her sobbing into her sleeve.

  At twenty to three Kate hung up her apron, pulled on her coat and left to walk the short distance to Bobby’s school. She stood alone at the gate, not wanting to engage in small-talk with the other parents. She was still feeling raw after borrowing the money from her father and didn’t think she could fake a good day in front of the others.

  As the children poured out, Kate waved at Bobby, who ran straight to her and threw his arms around her. ‘Good day?’ she asked, hustling him along and studiously avoiding eye contact with the teacher.

  ‘It was okay,’ Bobby said. ‘But guess where the most shark attacks happen?’

  ‘Mrs Higgins,’ the teacher called. ‘May I have a word?’

  Kate froze. Turning, she put on her I’m-not-worried-about-where-this-conversation-is-going face and followed the other woman into the school.

  ‘Bobby, will you be a good boy and help put those books away?’ Mrs Lorgan asked.

  ‘In alphabetical order?’ Bobby enquired.

  ‘Mmm, yes, perfect.’

  While Bobby was busy sorting out the little class library, Mrs Lorgan faced Kate. She was a woman in her fifties and had the authority of a teacher who had been around a while and took no nonsense.

  ‘Mrs Higgins –’

  ‘Call me Kate, please.’

  ‘Fine. Kate. Bobby is a very energetic boy with a very keen interest in facts and figures, information he’s always impatient to share with his classmates. While we always try to encourage enthusiasm for learning, with a class of twenty-five I can’t allow him to monopolize the time.’

  ‘Yes, I understand. He can be a bit relentless with his facts, but it’s his passion and he hasn’t had the easiest of years at home. Learning facts seems to keep him calm.’

  ‘He mentioned his father’s new baby in Show and Tell. I think some of the children were alarmed to hear him describe him as an evil devil baby.’

  ‘He’s having some problems adjusting.’ Kate watched Bobby through the classroom window, carefully arranging the books, a frown on his serious little face. She just wanted to go in, put her arms around him, tell him not to worry and hug all his anger out.

  ‘There was some bad language too, I’m afraid. He described his father’s girlfriend as a tart. Thankfully, the children thought of apple tart rather than … well, the other kind. But I did take Bobby aside and we had a word about it.’

  It’s lucky he didn’t say ‘whore’ or ‘slut’, Kate thought, which were names Luke had called Jenny when Nick had told the kids he was leaving them to go and live with her. ‘I’ll talk to him,’ she said, ‘but please don’t be too hard on him in class. I know he can take over a bit with his facts and figures, but he’s very insecure and he needs attention and praise. Honestly, underneath his bluster he’s an anxious little boy.’

  Mrs Lorgan nodded. ‘I can see that, and I’ll do my best to work with him and encourage him along.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  Kate called Bobby and they headed home.

  ‘Mummy?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Does Mrs Lorgan not like me?’

  Kate stopped and crouched down. ‘Hey, now, she was actually telling me how great you are and how clever, and she wondered where you got all your amazing facts. So I told her about Guinness World Records being your favourite book.’

  ‘Mummy?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think Daddy will hate stinky Jaden and c
ome back home and love us again?’

  Kate put her arms around her son and drew him in. ‘Oh, Bobby, Daddy loves you, Luke and Jess. No new baby is ever going to change that.’

  ‘What if he has more babies? He’ll never have time to see us.’

  ‘I’m not sure he’s going to have any more, but even if he does, he’ll still love you the same. Besides, you have me and Granddad, who love you too.’

  Bobby nodded and they started walking again. As they reached the gate, Bobby threw his arms around Kate’s legs. Muttering into her left thigh, he said, ‘If there was a world record for best mummy, you’d win it.’

  Kate’s heart lifted. It was moments like these that made all the pain and worry disappear.

  4

  He was in a deep sleep, the kind you can have only when your body and mind are completely exhausted. When he had crawled into bed earlier, his body had felt as if it had folded itself into the mattress. They were one and the same. Sleep, these days, was Nick’s favourite thing to do. It was his only switch-off.

  ‘Waaaaaah … waaaaaah … waaaaah …’

  In his sleep he could hear something. Ignore it, his brain said.

  ‘Waaaah … waaaaah …’

  He scrunched his eyes closed and tried to block out the sound.

  ‘Nick!’

  He felt a thump on his arm. He rolled over.

  ‘Nick!’ This time she walloped him.

  Jesus Christ, could a man not get one decent night’s sleep? He opened his eyes and prayed it was after five a.m. Please God, let it not be the middle of the night. The alarm clock said it was two thirty. Fuuuuuck!

  ‘It’s your turn,’ Jenny whined.

  ‘I have an early viewing. Can you do it? Please?’

  ‘No bloody way. I’ve been with him all day and I did the ten o’clock feed. Get up.’

  Nick wanted to tell her to sod off. He was tempted to remind her that she wasn’t working. She got to sit on her arse all day, watching TV.

  He, on the other hand, was trying to sell houses to people who had no money. Thankfully, the housing market had turned a bit of a corner, but it was still a bloody hard slog trying to get people to commit to a sale. He had to get some sales in soon. He owed the bank and he owed Kate, too.

  He’d spent weeks trying to get that couple to buy the big house on Jacobson Road, but they’d pulled out at the last minute. The commission on it would have paid the rent on the apartment and the childcare costs for four months, but no such luck. The wife had decided the kitchen was too dark. He’d explained to her that with a lighter colour on the walls and cream tiles on the floor it would be transformed, but the stupid cow had had no imagination.

  The stress of trying to pay everyone was killing him. He needed a few drinks after work to take the edge off, but he couldn’t even do that without Jenny ringing every fifteen minutes to find out when he was coming home.

  Between Jenny and Kate and the kids, he felt suffocated. Sometimes lately he’d felt like running away. Just getting on a plane to South America and never coming back. He’d live in a beach hut, spend all day lying on white sand, drinking cold beers, and not have six people depending on him all the time.

  He wouldn’t do it, though. He wouldn’t leave his kids. Even though they hated him. Well, Jess didn’t, but Luke did and Bobby was hard-going. Nick had always felt Bobby could see through him. Even when he was only four years old, he’d catch Bobby looking at him, and it was as if he knew Nick was having an affair. It had freaked him out.

  He hadn’t wanted another child. Kate had tricked him into it. They were just getting their lives back: Jess was in school, and she was easy anyway, and Luke was eleven and they were starting to go out again, getting their mojo back, until Kate had said she wanted another baby.

  He’d told her no way. She said she’d hated being an only child and wanted three kids at least. He’d said no, one boy and one girl was perfect. Why push it? They were happy, life was good. They didn’t need another baby.

  ‘We’re finally getting lie-ins,’ he’d argued again and again, ‘and we’re able to go out, have a few drinks and stay late without having to worry about bottles and night feeds and nappies and early mornings. Come on, Kate, let’s just enjoy it.’

  But Kate wouldn’t let it go. She’d kept banging on and on about how she wanted a big family and how two wasn’t enough, until eventually he gave in and said they could try for six months, and if it didn’t happen, that was it.

  Of course she’d got bloody pregnant in the fifth month and their lives had gone back to her being pregnant and wanting to stay in all the time. Then Bobby had arrived, and it was night feeds, no sleep, shitty nappies, early mornings and early nights. All the fun and freedom were gone.

  If he was honest, Nick had been angry since the day Kate announced she was pregnant. He’d known it would change everything and he was right: it had. Bobby was just too much. Three kids was too much.

  The Kate he’d married was funny and kind. She’d asked him about work, drunk wine with him and chatted about the day. This Kate went to bed with the kids at eight p.m. and never wanted to have sex … ever.

  After Bobby was born, she’d barely acknowledged him when he came home from work. She was always feeding someone or doing homework or washing clothes or tidying up or cooking or sewing … The old Kate would have laughed at his stories about annoying clients and actually have been interested in him.

  He hadn’t meant to cheat on Kate, but when Jenny had come to view that apartment for the second time, he’d given in to lust. The first time she’d viewed it she’d flirted with him and he’d been flattered, very flattered. She was hot and young and she was definitely giving him the eye. He’d been on a high, so he’d flirted back a bit, and it had been fun, really good fun.

  When she rang to say she wanted to see the apartment again, he’d worn his favourite shirt and suit. When he saw her in her tight black dress he’d had to walk away to hide his hard-on. He’d wanted her then and there.

  He’d used all of his charm and she’d responded to his flirting, making it pretty obvious she found him attractive. So he’d asked her out for a drink. One drink had led to five and they’d ended up back at her place having great sex. Nick had become completely addicted to her and the sex. He couldn’t have stopped even if he’d tried. She was like a drug. He hadn’t felt so alive in years. He saw her at every opportunity he could.

  To be honest, Nick was surprised Jenny had gone for him. He was twenty years older than her. But she’d said she liked older guys, that he was sexy and confident. He knew what he wanted and where he was going. She’d said a lot of guys her own age were still behaving like teenagers.

  ‘I feel protected and safe with you,’ she’d said, after a few months of seeing him. ‘My dad left before I was born so I never knew him. My mum was a drinker, so my home life was always difficult. I guess I’ve always craved security. You’re so sure of who you are that I know you’ll look after me and never let me down. I know you won’t “borrow” money from me, like my last boyfriend, who fleeced me, or the one before that, who got so drunk that he puked on me. I’m sick of immature man-boys. I want a real man, like you, Nick.’

  Nick had eaten up her adoration. It felt so good to be needed and wanted. He couldn’t get enough of it.

  When he was with Jenny, he felt powerful and invincible – the opposite of everything he felt in his other life, the half-life he had with Kate. Jenny thought he was wonderful. She laughed at his jokes and told him he was the best estate agent in the world. Nick felt as if he mattered again, as if he was someone’s number one, rather than always coming last, after the kids.

  He only felt guilty when he was at home, so he avoided being there as much as possible. But he was careless. In a way he wanted to get caught.

  Kate found texts on his phone. She hadn’t freaked out or screamed or broken plates. She’d just cried and cried and cried. It was as if there was a river inside her.

  ‘I want the kid
s to come from a happy home, not a broken one,’ she’d said, making it clear that the kids came first, even in something as personal as an extra-marital affair. She’d offered to forgive him and to give it another go, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t love her any more – they were like strangers. He wanted out. He wanted a new start. He wanted Jenny. He wanted sex and freedom.

  He looked down at Jaden’s red face. What freedom? What sex? Jenny had told him she was on the pill, but somehow she’d got pregnant. He wondered sometimes if she’d tricked him. She’d always said she wanted security: was Jaden her way of making sure Nick stayed with her and looked after her? What was it with women and babies? Why did they have to have kids and ruin everything?

  Nick felt his chest contract. He gripped the side of the cot. Breathe, he ordered himself. In and out, in and out. He was beginning to panic, and his head was spinning. He needed to make more money. He needed to spend more time with his kids. He needed to sort things out with Jenny because they were arguing non-stop, these days.

  He felt guilty about losing touch with Luke. He missed him. They used to play football together and joke around, but now Luke just glared at him or rolled his eyes whenever Nick tried to be funny. Jess was still her sweet self, but he knew he should go and see her horse-riding and make more of an effort with her. As for Bobby … He had a lot of making up to do. Bobby had had the worst of him. Nick had resented the poor kid for the first few years of his life, then he’d been tied up with Jenny and then he’d left. He’d never really got to know Bobby. He felt bad about it. He didn’t know his own son. But Bobby was always angry and all he seemed to do was talk about his world records, which drove Nick mad. He’d tried to play football with him but Bobby had two left feet and he’d ended up kicking Nick’s leg, hard, because it was ‘a stupid game’.

  Nick had to try to figure out a way to communicate with Bobby before it was too late. He was already seven years old and they had no relationship. He needed to find some kind of common ground. But since Jaden had been born, Jenny barely let him out of her sight. She panicked all the time and cried a lot and kept thinking Jaden was going to die. Nick had Googled it, and she had symptoms of postnatal depression. When he’d suggested she might have it and she should talk to her GP, Jenny had gone absolutely mad and accused him of trying to leave her. But he was only trying to help.