Seven Letters Page 31

  ‘I don’t trust any of you. You’re all against me.’

  Adam looked like crap. His eyes were red and small and stressed, and his face was so pale, like a grey pale, and he had stubble on his chin and his clothes were crumpled. He didn’t look like the Adam she’d always known. Mr Smart, always perfectly dressed and shaved and full of life. He was a wreck. Like one of those people you see on TV shows who are all paranoid and weird. Riley almost felt sorry for him. He looked like he was going to collapse.

  ‘Look, Adam, you need to stop being paranoid. No one is against you. All I want to do is call over and help Izzy with her hair, OK?’

  He stared up at the sky briefly, then sighed. ‘OK, but Mia is not to come. Only you. I can’t handle Mia telling me what to do.’

  ‘Fine, but for the record, you’re being a prick to Mum and Granddad. But I’ll park it for Izzy’s sake. I’ll see you at nine. I’ll bring all the clips and bows. Does she have a bag, tights and shoes?’

  Adam rubbed his chin. ‘I don’t know, I think so. Sarah was always so …’ he stumbled over the words ‘… organized.’

  Riley turned away quickly so she wouldn’t have to see the pain in his face. He was suffering more than all of them. He was losing half his family.

  She walked over to Izzy.

  ‘An ice-cream van too!’ Zach was gushing.

  ‘Yes, and a big ginormous chocolate cake with a little girl that looks like me on the top.’

  Zach shook his head in awe. ‘You are one lucky girl.’

  Riley wanted to kiss him again. She felt emotions rising in her chest. Not now, not in front of Izzy. ‘Hey, Izzy, your dad’s waiting, but I just wanted to check. Do you have tights, shoes and a bag?’

  ‘Oh, yes, Riley. Mummy got everything for me. It’s all hanging up in her wardrobe, all wrapped up so not even “one speck of dust can get on it”, Mummy said.’

  ‘Great.’ Riley smiled as widely as she could. ‘I’ll see you in two days. I can’t wait to help you get ready – we’ll have so much fun. I’ll bring sweets, but don’t tell your dad.’

  Izzy hugged her. ‘I can’t wait, and the best part is that Mummy will wake up when she sees me in my dress. I know it for sure.’

  Izzy ran back to Adam, who took her hand and marched her off without a glance in Riley’s direction.

  ‘Sweet kid,’ Zach said quietly.

  Riley bent her head. The tears flowed freely now. ‘Her heart is going to be smashed into pieces when Sarah doesn’t wake up. It’s just not fair.’

  Zach put his arm around Riley and she leaned into him, sobbing. ‘You’re great with her,’ he said.

  ‘I love her.’ Riley wept. ‘She can drive me nuts at times because she never, ever stops talking, but I really love her.’

  ‘I’m here for you, Riley.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Promise.’

  ‘You won’t change your mind again and go back to Zoë?’

  He smiled. ‘Never. You’re my Jo March.’

  Riley felt her heart warm and her tears dry. With Zach by her side, things seemed a little less awful.

  45

  Mia opened the door and was greeted with the smell of roast beef. The house was warm and cosy. She rushed into the kitchen and threw her arms around Johnny. ‘I’m so glad to be home.’

  ‘Bad day?’

  She nodded into his neck. ‘But I feel so much better now. Did you cook beef? My favourite.’

  He smiled. ‘Yes, and roast potatoes and parsnips.’

  Mia kissed him. ‘I might just love you, Johnny.’

  She looked at the table. It was set with a candle in the middle and their good plates. It was like a celebration. Mia’s heart leaped. He must have got the job. Yes! That was it. Oh, thank God, some good news.

  Mia felt like she smelt of hospital so she ran up the stairs to have a quick shower and wash away the horrible day. She wanted to have a nice meal with Johnny, one in which she didn’t cry over her sister. One in which she didn’t feel as if she was going to choke on her food.

  She leaned against the shower wall and closed her eyes. She could picture her father hunched over in the chair beside Sarah’s bed, weeping. He’d come to say a final goodbye to her today. Sarah was worse. More infections were ravaging her body and they were finding it impossible to get them all under control. He’d said he didn’t want to remember his beautiful daughter like this. It was too painful. He wouldn’t come again.

  Mia and Rob had had to go in and lift him out of the chair and into the waiting room. He was broken. Utterly broken. It had been devastating to see her father like that. Thank God Angela was there to talk to him and help him to recover enough to walk to the car. Mia had driven him home, where Olivia was waiting.

  Mia wanted to stop seeing Sarah too, but she felt as if she’d be abandoning her. Even though she was dead, it felt wrong. She needed to keep going in until the end. Please, God, may the end be soon, she prayed.

  Mia dried herself and decided to put on a dress. Since Johnny had gone to so much trouble, she wanted to make a little effort too. She patted concealer over the black bags under her eyes and put on some lipstick.

  When she walked in, the dinner was waiting. Johnny produced a bottle of wine and poured her a big glass.

  ‘Wow, wine. Fancy.’

  ‘You deserve a glass or ten after the last few weeks.’

  ‘Cheers.’ Mia clinked with her husband. He must have got the job. They hadn’t bought wine in months.

  ‘Where’s Riley?’

  ‘Out with her new boyfriend. They went to the cinema. She’ll be back by eleven.’

  ‘Is she still in a good mood?’

  ‘She’s like a different person. I hope to Jesus this guy sticks around.’

  Mia grinned. ‘Me, too. If he breaks up with her, we’ll have to leave the country.’

  Johnny laughed. ‘One-way ticket to Timbuktu.’

  Mia tucked into the delicious dinner. ‘This is so good. It’s the first time I’ve actually enjoyed food in ages.’

  ‘Good, you need a decent meal. You’re fading away.’

  Mia looked down. She supposed she had lost weight. Her dress was hanging off her. The grief diet, she thought sadly.

  ‘Dare I ask, how are you feeling about the Communion on Sunday?’

  Mia put down her wine glass. ‘It’s Izzy. She’s convinced Sarah is going to wake up and I’m really worried about the fallout.’

  ‘I suppose she has to find out sometime.’

  ‘I know, but on her Communion Day?’

  Johnny sighed. ‘It’s rough, but is there any good day to realize your mum isn’t coming back?’

  ‘I suppose not, but they’re all so excited about the day and the dresses and the parties, and I just want Izzy to have a good time. Instead she’s going to have her heart broken.’

  ‘Poor kid.’

  ‘I even feel sorry for Adam.’

  ‘Really?’

  Mia nodded. ‘Yes. It’s going to be hard for him to pick up the pieces of Izzy’s heart. Imagine if it was Riley.’

  Johnny shook his head. ‘I can’t even go there. You’re right, though, it will be awful for Adam.’

  ‘She’s all he has left.’ Mia reached across the table to hold Johnny’s hand. ‘I’m so glad I have you and Riley. We’re so lucky. I never realized how lucky we are. But I do now. It doesn’t matter that we’ll never have a big bank account. What matters is that we’re alive, healthy and here.’

  ‘And we love each other, no matter what, right?’ Johnny squeezed her hand hard.

  ‘Well, yes, of course.’ Mia was taken aback by his intensity.

  ‘Because I love you, Mia. I love you and Riley and Charlie and Izzy and even Adam. And I really loved Sarah. You know that.’

  Johnny was getting emotional. Mia felt bad. She had been so consumed by her own grief that she sometimes forgot how hard this was on Johnny.

  ‘I know you do, love. Sarah adored you too.’

 
‘She was a brilliant person, and this has been such a difficult time. It’s hard to keep everyone safe and protected.’

  Mia frowned. ‘But, Johnny, we’re all safe. You’re a great dad, husband, son-in-law and brother-in-law, and an amazing uncle to Izzy. I’m sorry I haven’t said that more. You’ve been a rock to all of us.’

  ‘I just want you to know that I love your family and I’d do anything for them.’ Johnny was getting choked up.

  ‘I know that. Honestly, Johnny, we all know that.’

  His phone buzzed. He jumped up and left the kitchen to take the call. Mia cocked her ear to listen. She could hear ‘… more time … I’m almost finished … Just a few details … It’ll be all that and more … Yes … I appreciate that time is tight … OK.’

  When he came back in, Mia pretended to be busy eating. ‘Who was that?’

  Johnny looked flustered. ‘It was just … uhm …’

  ‘Was it about a job?’ Mia blurted out, unable to contain her excitement.

  Johnny bit his lip. ‘Kind of. Look, I might have an article coming out soon, but it’s not what –’

  Mia jumped up and threw her arms around his neck. ‘I knew it! I knew you had good news! I’m so happy for you, Johnny. You deserve this. You’re the best. Thank God something is finally going right for this family.’

  Mia was too excited to notice that her husband’s arms hung loosely at his sides.

  46

  Adam looked down at his sleeping child. ‘If there is a God,’ he whispered, ‘let my son survive so this angel can have a sibling and not lose her mother and baby brother. If there is a God, give me the strength to get through this day.’

  Adam sat on the end of the bed, shoulders bent, the grief sitting on his back like a demon. Sarah had been looking forward to today for months. She had been so excited about it. She’d spent so much time organizing and planning every detail. Her face had lit up when she’d shown him Izzy’s dress and told him how beautiful Izzy looked in it and what a special day it was for all of them.

  ‘It’s my first memory,’ Sarah had said. ‘My Communion Day, the dress and all the fuss. Being the centre of attention. It’s the first strong childhood memory I have and it’s a really special one. I want it to be a perfect day for Izzy, one that she will remember with joy for the rest of her life. We’re creating memories, Adam, memories for life.’

  For most of the day before, vans had been pulling up outside their house. The bouncy castle, chocolate fountain and the cake, that Mia had organized, had arrived. Izzy had squealed and jumped up and down with excitement. She had set the table with Adam for all the guests. Sarah had invited twenty-five people – seventeen adults and eight kids. Friends, family …

  Everyone had been texting. Is it cancelled? Do you want us to host it? Would you rather just be with Sarah’s immediate family?

  No, no, and definitely not. He did not want to be near Mia or Charlie. He wanted friends and their kids to run about, distracting him and Izzy. He wanted to salvage some sense of the occasion for Izzy from the ruins of their lives. He wanted her to have the perfect day her mother had planned.

  When he saw Izzy’s little icing figurine sitting on top of the cake, he’d almost lost it. He’d had to leave the room, pretending to take a work call.

  Adam reached over and kissed Izzy’s arm, careful not to wake her yet. Sleep, he knew all too well, was oblivion, these days. When you were asleep you didn’t have to think. Sleep was a reprieve from the nightmare of real life.

  Adam inhaled and exhaled slowly and deeply. He had to muster all of his energy to make this day as good as it could be for Izzy. Today was her day. Everything else had to be pushed to the side. Thank God for Rob. He was Adam’s source of strength, always there to keep him going. With the two of them either side of Izzy, they could get through this.

  Adam checked the clock, then gently stroked Izzy’s cheek. Her eyes fluttered as she began to wake up. She rolled over and then her eyes flew open.

  ‘It’s my Communion Day!’ She punched the air. ‘Woohoo! Quick, Daddy, what time is it? I have to get ready.’

  Adam kissed her warm cheek. ‘Sweet-pea, it’s only eight fifteen. We have lots of time for breakfast.’

  Izzy stretched like a cat in the bed. ‘Oh, Daddy, I’m so super-excited.’

  ‘Come on, I’ll make you pancakes.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. I looked up the recipe last night. It’s easy.’

  ‘Cool.’ Izzy swung her legs out of bed and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

  Rob emerged from his room, already dressed. ‘C Day,’ he said, grinning tiredly at Adam.

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ Adam said. ‘She’s wired.’

  ‘It’s great for her to have something else to think about for a whole day. It’ll be great. She’ll enjoy it.’

  ‘We’ll do our best,’ Adam said, feeling less sure than he sounded. Today would be all about acting, and he had to turn in a masterclass.

  Rob followed Adam to the kitchen and got the coffee going while Adam dumped flour, milk and eggs into a bowl and began to stir it with a fork.

  ‘No, Daddy,’ Izzy shouted from the kitchen door. ‘You need the whisky thing.’

  ‘What whisky thing?’

  ‘It’s what Mummy uses for making pancakes. It’s silver and has lots of lines on it and it mixes stuff.’

  ‘Do you know where it is?’

  ‘No, but it should be in one of these drawers, where Mummy keeps her cooking things.’

  Adam opened and closed drawers but saw no ‘whisky thing’.

  ‘It must be here – we have to find it. Otherwise the pancakes will be all lumpy.’ Izzy’s voice was getting louder. ‘Mummy says you can’t do it with a fork because it doesn’t get the lumps out.’

  Rob and Adam both opened drawers and riffled through them but couldn’t find it.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, princess,’ Rob said. ‘For today we’ll do it with a fork. Your dad’s very fast at mixing – look.’ Adam whisked furiously with the fork. ‘That’ll definitely get the lumps out, just like Sarah does.’

  Izzy looked into the bowl. ‘It looks disgusting. It’s all lumpy. It’s not right.’ Her lip began to wobble.

  ‘Sometimes things don’t look great, but they taste fine,’ Adam said, tipping the bowl into the frying pan.

  ‘You put too much in,’ Izzy said impatiently.

  He swirled the pan around as the mixture ran to the sides, leaving the lumps of flour stuck in the middle. It was a disaster. The heat was too high and the mixture began to burn.

  ‘Damn,’ Adam muttered, and pulled the pan from the heat.

  ‘Yuck.’

  ‘Never mind, we’ll try another. Let’s give Rob a turn at being chef.’ Adam tried to keep up a façade of cheerfulness. He lowered the heat, scraped the first pancake into the bin and handed the pan to Rob. Same result.

  ‘They’re disgusting, Daddy. You two are the worst pancake-makers ever.’

  ‘You might be right. How about cereal?’

  ‘No, it’s a special day. I don’t want stinky cereal.’

  ‘Well, then, toast with butter and jam?’

  ‘Boring.’

  ‘Eggs,’ Rob said. ‘I’ll do some scrambled eggs on toast, delicious.’

  ‘I don’t want stupid eggs.’

  Adam looked at his brother in desperation. ‘I think we might have some sausages. Would you eat a sausage sandwich?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Let me have a look.’ Adam opened the fridge. Milk, cheese, beer, yoghurts, but no sausages. ‘Right, well, it seems we’re out of sausages. Sorry. I need to go shopping.’

  ‘Mummy always went shopping on Mondays and Fridays.’

  Adam sighed. ‘How about yoghurt and … and …’ Rob yanked open a cupboard and pulled out a packet. ‘And crackers?’ Adam said hopefully.

  Izzy climbed down from the stool at the kitchen counter. Her face was bright red and her eyes were full of tears. ‘You a
re the worst daddy ever,’ she screamed. ‘This is the worst breakfast of my life. It’s supposed to be a super-special day, but it’s not. You can’t cook or shop or do hair or anything that Mummy does. I want Mummy, not you.’ She pushed him out of the way and ran out of the room.

  Adam turned to catch her, but Izzy was too quick for him. She had slammed and locked her bedroom door by the time he caught up with her. Rob stood in the corridor, head bent.

  ‘Izzy, sweetheart, I’m sorry.’ Adam stood outside the door, listening to his daughter’s sobs.

  ‘I don’t want you. I want Mummy. I want everything to be the same, not all horrible. I hate this,’ she bawled.

  ‘Izzy, come on, let me in. I’ll –’

  The doorbell rang. Rob looked out through the glass and mouthed, ‘Riley,’ to Adam.

  Damn, Adam thought. Now she was going to come in and see what a rubbish job he was doing. She’d tell Mia and Charlie and they’d all think he was a total loser, incapable of even cooking a decent breakfast for his daughter.

  ‘Izzy, pet, just open the door and talk to me.’

  ‘NO!’ she shouted.

  The doorbell rang again.

  ‘Will I let her in?’ Rob asked.

  ‘All right,’ Adam said, cursing under his breath.

  Rob pulled open the door and smiled. ‘Morning, Riley.’

  ‘No need to rush, like, whenever you’re ready.’ Riley rubbed her bare arms in the cool morning shade.

  ‘Look, Izzy’s a bit upset, about her mum and stuff. She’s locked herself in her bedroom. I’m not sure she’ll come out for a bit. Do you want a cup of tea?’

  Riley marched straight past him, then straight past Adam and went up to Izzy’s door. ‘Hey, Izzy, it’s me. Listen, I’ve got up early to come over here and make you into the most stunning, drop-dead gorgeous Communion girl ever seen. I may also have brought some treats. So open up and let me work my magic on you.’

  To Adam’s surprise, the door lock clicked. Riley turned to grin at him and Rob. ‘That cup of tea would be great.’

  Izzy locked the door again. Riley held out her arms and her little cousin ran into them, sobbing into her chest.